


Jack Kline's Anthrax Sweater

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Other, don't say i didn't warn ya, like 2014 level crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-18 16:17:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17584196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: One memorable Cristimis between Team fry Will.(this is horrible satire)





	Jack Kline's Anthrax Sweater

**Author's Note:**

  * For [the Sam Is Queer gc](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=the+Sam+Is+Queer+gc).



> jack gotta eat his gingy boys

It was a beautiful Christmas Morning. Team free Willy was gathered around their lusciouis emerald Douglas Fir that Sam had bought at Home Depot. At least 17 presents were under the tree, but no more than 30 were lounging on the tree’s denim skirt. Rowena had made the tree skirt out of her old skirts. “I’m giving to the needy,” she cackled as she dumped the skirt (and a newborn Icelandic baby) on the bunker’s doorstep;. Sam was holding the Icelandic Baby in his lap as Jack ate the gingerbread house. Enter dean Westchester who had had had enough of the Chirstmos season. He hated everuthing.Earlier he was outside snorkeling the snow. “Bah hungbung” he yelled as he kicked an infant’s snowman in the snow nuts. The kid cried. Dean only laughed at its misery.

“Hi can I open a presnet” Jack cried. Dean huffed. “No. Eat your gingivits house. and Shut up.”

Jake nodded “Okay”

Suddenly Crowley came out of the kitchen wearing a “Kiss The Cock” apron. He was holidng a plate of gingerbeard men. 

“Whi wats gingy mens?” he started to say but no sooner Jack screetched and immediately descended upon Cowley rendering him unconscious as an animalistic side of the young Antichrist finally showed itself. There was blood all over his face as he came up for air. Everyone was terrified. Espeically Mary and astiel. Cas got his nerf gun and aimed it at jack who did not have blllod on his face since it was actually jkust red icing from the Ginghambed Boyes. Jack imediately screamed anad the Nerd Gun didsitnergarted in his hands like in Infinrity war. Mary then began to disinfectante and Dean cried “No” with the force of 397 thurnder storms. That attracted gabriel who Sudanly appered and said “Whats cracklackin straights” and then left immediately when he saw jacks face covered in red icing which he mistaked for Red Blood Cells.

“We are simply haveing a wonderful christmstimne,” said Mary and everyone booed her off stage. She cried “why does everione disnlike me”

Jack screamed “ I want mroe COOKIEs” and flipped the tabel over.

Dean got the Colt out his ass and pointed it at Jakc

‘Sit DOWN AND SHUT UOP”

Jack nodded and sat down and shut up. Twiddleing his Thumbnails. Then castiel iwnked at dean and dean did not understand because he was in the closetr and not ready top come to term s with his sexuality.

“Im a botim” he said quietrly and sam said “can you repest that for the class Mister Winchert” but dean just stared at the wall surlily.

“Ainwyays presants!” said Rownea who had takin the Icelndic baby and named him Sven.

She opened 2 of them.

“Thees ayre lung jahns” she said preturbedly and Dean snickled. “They are for Garth but hes in the trynk”. In the trunk hgart said “thats me!”

“A mome of silence for the bitgches we forgot about” said Sam. Everyone shut up except Jack who began to sob (not over the peopel over the cookeis he could not eat because Crowley was the onlt one who knew how to bake but he was either uncouscous or dead oh well).

Form porgatory benny started to chry because no one knows about Chirstmies there. And Adam cried in tha Kayge. A sielnt tear sliped down deans fac e as he rememberrd all the guys whos dicks he had sucked at truck stops. Hed tried to suppress those memories but they just kept coming back. It was aas if his gay thoughts were tormenting him constanlty. They would taunt himn everywhere. It was inescapable as if someone was saying “YOURE GAY!!!!   
“ very loudly in his ear. Wait actually that was just gabriel who was back again.

“Guys i bought Alcohoollllllll” he said in a pansexual voice. Sam excused himself from the room thinking of the one time he accidentally ate ass and had his pansexual wakening.

Jacks screams reached a frequency only scorpions could hear. Mary put a pillow in his mouth which had grown to be the size of a microwave.

“Oh my god hes like 3 let him be” said Gabriel who was suprisibngy the voice of reason,. I am not biased.

“No said mar”y.

“Fine” gabriel coughed and then choked on his mieks hard lemondade. Sam came back but excused himself from the room upon seing that Mikes Hard Lemonade because it revolted himn.

“Why are you here” he asked garfield and the arckagel laughed. “Bevcause no one loves me enough to celebrate chrizxtmas with me.”

A hush fell over the room like dean falling down the stairs of the bunker when he was hammered and it lasted approxuimnetly 2 minutes and 27 second.  After that earie silence Mary broke it. “What cnristmas carol should we sing now” she said and everyone booed her off stage again.

“No one likes me because im a woman and a mother and I get in the way of incest shippers’ sexy brotgher screentime” and everyone agreed exapt jack. He liked her but that was because bhe was naibe\\.

“Hi” said Asmazon prime He produced a KFC bucket from his jacket pocket and then Billie dragged his Colonal Sanders dusty ass to the Empty which was lit up like Sears on December twenty First. Shye then borught 78 presents and jack screamed at a frequency only God could hear and broke every glass tiung in the bonker.

“My glass blowing project :(“ cas sad and Jack started to cry becayse his dads glass blowing hobby was their only source of income and the only way for Catiel to pay for his collete tuition.

After 8 consecutive hours everyone was either balckjout drunk or sleeping except jack who was on presnt 98.

“Omg its sais To Jack from Santa” he gigled and snickeled. It was a big box wrapped with a pink bow and Sam smield.

“Here its for you. I pooled my money with Cas; and we got this for you from the coventience store. Happy Birthday Charlie” And jack laughed as he saw it was a Wonka Whipplescrumptious Fudgemallow Delight Nougat Ediiton. He opened the sultry delicatious wrapping of the slutty little whore of a candy bar with a loud yell and saw something gold.

“I WON A GOLDEN TICKET!!!!!!!” he howled and brandihed the sl.ip of laminated gold leaf paper in the air.

“Oeh no yeuh deont!” said Catch and he stole the ticket cackliung like King Henry the 8th after decpatiating Anne Boleyn. Jack was on presnt 99! (shoutuout to all the problems that are not a bitch) and Dean had begun to squirm in his seat with antici……………..….pation.

AN: This is where the story gets good so stay here pleas e no flamez!!!!!!

So jack opened thge present and saw it was a sweater and dean laugegd before speaking. “Merry chrismis jack i got you a sweater from JC Penney.” Jacks eyes lit up bright blue and the power short circuited leaving the binker in darkless for a momnent before the backup generator started. “A SWEATER!!!” the Young man bellowed “OH BOY!!!”

“Try it on” said dean who was full on manically laughing.

Jack tried it on but not before he got a faceful of  _ Bacillus anthracis _ . “Shoot” he said as he fell unconscious.

Castiels eyes glowed and he said “I changed my mind im not asking you out you killed my son” and sam said “Waiyt ithink hes just onconsious” but Castle stabbed Dean with his angular blade 287 times.

“Oakay” said sam “maybe the writers will give me a decent storyline now”

“Are u kidding buddy? In your dreams” said the writers.

“What have I done” said Cas and he stabbed hinself. Dean woke up then and freaked out and started to cry tears of blood down his pallid face. “ _O happy dagger, this is thy sheath!_ ” he cried Shakespearianly and died of sadness. “ _For never was there a story of more woe- than Juliet and her Romeo_ ” said Crowbar sadly. Jack then woke up and “accidentally” killed Nick with the rest of the anrthax on his sweater. Gabriel dabbed at his eyes with an embroidered handkerchief.

“Wait” said sam “gabe arent you dead” and gabe winked. \“Arent we all” he said and flew off into the night sky laying naked on a sled with with 8 reindeer pulling him directly into thge sun

 

I hop eyou liked my essay on why capitalism is going to destroy this country, Thank you

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry. i'm so, so sorry. and if you've made it this far, you deserve a purple heart.


End file.
